dear ex boyfriend, dear me.

Narcissus gazed upon the pond. His jeweled eyes lead straight to his daffodil death.

Dear ex boyfriend, how are you? How do you spend your time these days? I promised I'd write every Sunday, but I didn't and here I am. 50 Sundays later. Do you still check up on me? 

Might be weird but I miss you. Might be weird but I love you. Might be weird but you have a piece of my heart. Might be weird but I'm lying for the melodramatics.

I know you'll read this even if I ask you not to. So here I go: Were we ever in love with each other? You were. What about me? Was there a time, no matter how small, that I was in love with you? I can't say for sure. 

Because when I love and lose, a chunk of my heart blasts off into the forest. And I am left hunting for it all year around. 

When I broke up with you, I wilted. I remember bawling my eyes out, screaming that the summer of my life was over. But then summer rolled around again. Like it always does.

Now I am left wondering, what was my connection to you? Because seeing my boyfriend from when I was 13 makes my stomach churn. When I see you, I hope that you are doing well. I think we were the wrong people at the right time. Is that talked about enough? I wouldn't know. I don't watch rom-coms anymore.

I hope you find it in your heart to look back upon us with glee. I don't know if I was ever in love with you, but I loved you. So I hope you're doing well. Text me sometime.

Stop reading now.

-

Dear me, do you think it's romantic to compare yourself to narcissus? To be the tragic hero or the siren? To lure, to lead and to leave?

I have a confession to make: it is never about the ex boyfriends. At the core of it lies a simple truth, or maybe just a narcissistic delusion. I don't care about them. I just want them to care about me. To continue caring for me. For life.

Do you think my heart aches when I see you crying about me? No, my heart aches when I see you with a new girl. When I see that I've become an afterthought, or not a thought at all. Does this make me a bad person? Or just human?

To have loved and to be loved is God's greatest gift to mankind. Do I want to be given love more than I gift it? 

I'm just a selfish 19 year old in the end. I hate people looking at me the wrong way. 

Buy a rose for your new girlfriend and think of how you did the same for me.

6/11/23